Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
