If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
