Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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