are you still at the devil's house?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
