I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
