when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
