He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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