I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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