true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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