I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
