you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
