If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
