While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
