The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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