I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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