I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
