Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
