If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
