i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
