I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm at about main and main street
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
