I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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