I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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