She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
