I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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