he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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