someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
