I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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