Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
