he thought i was a dude.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
