just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize