im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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