Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
