with your own penis?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
