You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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