i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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