She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
