I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
