I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
