well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
