all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm like, not good at living.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
