I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I need to calm my uterus...
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