So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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