why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
