I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
