Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
