did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
