When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Randomize
