There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
