Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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