Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
