we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
