He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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