see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
